Lately, my heart has been heavy, felt burdened. I was betrayed once again by one of the people I have loved most in my life. I do not not if I have really forgiven this time and if I haven't, I'm not sure I know how to completely. I know I will never be able to trust this person again. It has happened over and over and over again. I have put my heart out there to love and be loved and to care for and my heart was stomped on. I know it is not about me. I know it wasn't this persons goal to hurt me, but they didn't try not to. This person has failed to protect the heart have have continually put out on the line and show me that I am truly loved by them. I struggle with anger in my heart and do not want to be anger with anyone. I am angry because this person was supposed to protect me and love me. I am angry because this person has caused me to struggle in my walk with Christ over and over again and fall into sin and depression. Then I remember Gods promises and love and forgiveness of my sins and how he is my redeemer and protector and has always been there. My heavenly father is incredible and indescribable. I do not understand why I am put through the trials I am given, but I know the strength I have is not my own, it comes from Savior. I know He has provision over me. and my marriage. I do not understand why I can not put my feelings into words but put it into writing, but it is a step. I know most family and friends who read this will know exactly who I am talking about and that is okay. I want you to know how I feel even though I don't always share it openly. I don't want to dig into a can or worms unless necessary. It is necessary. It can't just be pushed under the rug any longer and pretend like everything is okay when it really isn't. I have done it for too long and too many times and I know it is not right. I deceive myself when I do that. How does that honor my Savior? It doesn't! So I am asking you to pray for me to not be angry and to have courage. To not be distraught but rest on the hope that is in Christ.
Now on a lighter note, let talk about the fun stuff. It might take a while since it has been a while since I've posted anything.
I went to visit one of my best friends in my home town at the beginning of May. We had a great time catching up and went to the beach and I finally got to meet her boyfriend. Here are a couple pictures:
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| Can't believe I got to grow up in such a beautiful place. I am beyond blessed. |
Then I got to go see one of my other best friends graduate from college. I am so proud of her and loved spending time with her and her family and boyfriend. 
Then Joey and I got to go watch his little sister graduate from High school. We are pretty proud of her too!
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| We got to Kitten sit also. |
I also got to go to a couple of bridal showers and a baby shower for some great friends who are getting married within a month. Joey and I couldn't be more excited for these happy couples. We wouldn't miss it for the world. Also, we get to see my brother graduate high school soon too! I can not wait. I am the proudest sister in the whole world. I could go on and on but I'll save that for another post because that is just how proud I am. ;) Our two year anniversary is coming up also! So thankful for such a wonderful husband.
To my Dearest Ann Marie - I am proud of you, and your desire to learn and grow in the Lord. Your feelings are exactly that....yours. Don't ever shy away from them. They will serve you in many ways. I can't advise you here, mostly because I know you will find your way. However, I can share one personal and absolute truth; every single awesome thing that has happened, or been given to me, in my life can be traced directly to every single worst thing that has happened. Live your life honestly and beautifully, and the gifts will rain down upon you in ways you cannot imagine. I love you, Sweetheart. Always and forever, Grandma Jackie
ReplyDeleteThere are truly no words that can describe the hurt, anger and confusion betrayal does to one's soul. Especially since the betrayal more often than not, is from someone we love and thought we could trust. I know all about betrayal. I am sorry for your loss.
ReplyDeleteI thought that you may want to know; perhaps even need to know; that as I read your post, I didn't hear anger. What I heard was a sadness for your loss. You are grieving and your feelings are exactly as they should be. Things are not ok and I'm sorry that you are forced to go through them. But then again there are no guaranties in this world we live in. But what a comforting thing it is to know that we are guaranteed true happiness is heaven.
You are in a good place with Christ. I will pray for you.